DVD Review: Dragonball Evolution

Dragonball Evolution is the live-action movie adaptation of the extremely popular Japanese animated cartoons, which tells the story of an eighteen year old kid named Goku, who following the death of his Grandfather embarks on a quest to collect seven Dragonballs, which will allow the summoning of a great dragon that will grant any wish. He must find the balls before the evil Lord Piccolo who is also in search of them and use them to stop Piccolo's attempts to take over the world and hopefully destroy him for good.

Did I sound like I knew what I was talking about? Didn't think so.

I have only watched approximately thirty seconds of one episode of Dragonball Z in my life, so perhaps, just perhaps, I may not be the right person to review a movie set in the Dragonball Universe. Then again, on the other hand perhaps I'm perfectly suited to the task at hand as my review won't be affected by any fanboy ejaculations of adoration over spiky-haired airbenders, "bender" being the operative word, who have an unhealthy obsession with balls and... wait... you know what?... It isn't going to matter if I'm a fan or not... No-one in their right mind is going to like this movie. I don't know any Dragonball fans, which is just unlucky I guess, however if I did, I think having watched this monumental cack-fest they'd be running to get their Goku tattoos lasered pronto.

Don't get me wrong, I've certainly been very excited over the prospect of a movie like this, there aren't enough evil demons named after small woodwind instruments in movies these days, and I've often hoped for a lead character who can manipulate air with the hand gestures of a Girls Aloud backing dancer, but there is no getting past the fact that this movie is more stupid than the Dragonball Universe itself.

I'm obvously ignorant to Dragonball but I just don't get the parts I am aware of. I never have understood the appeal of anime, except when it involves exceptionally large-breasted female characters dressed in nurse or schoolgirl outfits, so I can't really understand the appeal of Dragonball. The story itself is bloody ludicrous, and whilst I know I shouldn't expect less from a Japanese, fantasy, kid's cartoon, I wish that just once these anime adventures might ground themselves in reality once in a while, you know maybe teach kids that karate can't make you fly? Something like that?

In fairness, I probably should lay off the source material a bit. As ridiculous as it all sounds, and as easy as it is to poke fun at it, it is not Dragonball's fault that this movie is the worst film I have seen in, well actually I don't know, it's a long while put it that way. No, I think the responsibility in this case is Hollywood's and because of that I feel very sorry for the Dragonball fans out there who have invested themselves in following Goku and his buddies through their animated escapades only to watch a stale portrayal on the big screen in an obvious money-spinning exercise stemming from a highly popular TV show.

The characters are empty, lifeless things, which create nothing more than a burning desire to punch them, the cast are... well they're the same. The film laughs at it's own jokes (if you can call them that) and is generally a brightly coloured mess that begs the question, Why bother with a live-action version? It's no different to the cartoon, everything is made to look the same and from what I can gather it tells a story that has already been told in the series itself.

Hollywood have obviously learned nothing from Street Fighter and to make matters worse they have sucked in the services of James Marsters, who plays Piccolo in this but is better known as Spike in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Spike used to be my favourite character. Not anymore, what can I say, I'm fickle.

This is obviously not a Dragonball fan-centric review as I am just not capable of offering that. I don't see the appeal in Dragonball as a cartoon so as a film I see it even less. It really is a shocker and it's biggest fan bases are going to be kids who like pretty colours and those who loved Dragonball before so much that they are just happy their favourite characters have reached the lofty heights of live-action. I personally wish I'd never bothered with it. The rest of you can still save yourselves.